Excerpts from A Different Voice Novella

Selected excerpts from: DIFFERENT VOICES

A Different Voice
Novella by Walter Febick

From A Different Voice:
He put on another tape, a mellow one this time, asked if I wanted to smoke a joint. I told him no, but he took out a joint anyway and lit up. I realized he was somebody who might be used to getting his own way, getting what he wanted when he wanted it, handing me the joint with a spoiled and cynical expectation, as if I would not refuse. I held up my hand and pushed back the smoking rolled paper, letting him know I wasn't going to go along with his assumption, getting some satisfaction from his annoyed expression.
"What's the matter?" he asked.
"Nothing. Guess I'll be leaving."
"Wait. Don't you want to tell me the story of your life?"
"Why?"
"Because that's the kind of crap that people usually talk about after . . ."
"After they've done what we've done?"
"Well, yeah."
"There's not much to tell. And what there is you'd probably laugh at anyway."
"How do you know?"
"I can just tell."
"Well, do you want to hear mine?"
"Not particularly."
But he knew he had me. I sat down on the edge of the bed. He smiled and handed me the joint. I took a puff and handed it back to him. He moved closer and I moved away. He frowned, then smiled again, and said, "I understand."
"What do you understand?"
"This game," he said simply.
I wished I could have thought up a real cool answer for that one. A real clever put-down. Only I couldn't think of anything fast enough, and he was already heading for the bathroom. I told myself he was one of those people who were always coming up with these real snappy put-down comments and then leaving the room before you could think of an answer.
Questions began entering my mind, questions about who he was and how he'd come to live in that great big house. It was curious, even beyond bizarre, the more I thought about it. Yet thinking about wanting to find out more made me uneasy. . .
* * * *
I moved toward him but he turned away as I continued. "Maybe I did figure it out but wouldn't allow myself not to believe in the fantasy. Some part of me still wants to believe in it. I still want to think it's possible for us. I guess it's going back to being selfish, not wanting to share you with Martin. But I'm willing to do that now. I'm so in love with you, Brian, I'll sink as low as you want me to go. I'll take it on any terms you want. I just don't want to let go."
"You've got to let go. You've got some kind of a life ahead of you. You can't waste any part of it on me. We need to be with different kinds of people. You've got to find someone who has as much life as you have, somebody you can go on with."
"I want to go on with you."
"It can't happen."
"You mean there's nothing left. You can't give anything because you've got to give it all to Martin. Don't shut me out. I promise I won't get in the way. I'll accept things any way you want them. Just don't turn me out, I don't deserve that."
"There's more to it."
"No."
"You know there's more to it."
"No. It's settled. We'll work this out. We'll work it out any way you want."
"You're not listening to me."
"I don't want to hear you tell me it can't happen. Please don't say it."
"I've got to."
"Go ahead and abuse me. You won't get rid of me."
"Don't put it that way."
"Why not? Isn't that what you're doing? Saying we can't even be friends? Why don't you just say it? Go ahead and say it. Just tell me to get lost. Isn't that what you want? So you can play at romance with some other fool?"
He looked at me with sad regret but said nothing.
I felt anger rise inside me. "I'm no good to you anymore, am I? The games won't work because I'm too wise now. So you've got to go on to someone else, don't you? You can't waste any more time on me. That's the truth, isn't it?"
"The truth is. . ."

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